A bit more about Kate!

"You hem Kate in, behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon her...

You knit her together in her mother's womb.

I praise you because she is fearfully and

wonderfully made...

All the days ordained for her

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:5, 13-14, 16 

Sweet little Kate!

This is Liz blogging again ; ) But if you haven't read James' post below - definitely read it! He's a great writer and conveyed this journey so well. I can't sleep - wow, so many emotions and so much excitement!!! It's no wonder! So I thought I'd blog a bit more about this little one! I'll try to answer some of the questions I've heard most often ; )

She is from a rural area and was left on the steps of the orphanage on the day she was born. It is very likely that her dear mama gave birth to her and, due to the cleft lip and palate, had no way to feed her. From what I'm learning, cleft babies need special bottles and a young mom with no resources wouldn't be able to obtain these nor the formula to fill them with. She probably is very poor considering the area, and knew she would never be able to afford the corrective surgeries needed for Kate. She knew this little one would have such a better chance at getting the help she needed if she gave her up for adoption. I've heard that many babies are left in the woods or in secluded places so those leaving the child are not discovered. Kate's mama, however, left her right where she knew she would be found the quickest - right on those steps. Not only that, but she left a note pinned to Kate!!! The note had Kate's birthday on it - which is such a special treasure!!! Most of these children never know their actual birthday - they are assigned a birthday based on their medical exam and a rough estimate by the doctor. This is so special to have her real birthday!!! We are so grateful for Kate's mama (and family) who so carefully left her there for us ; )

Kate has cleft lip and palate - but clearly she is eating just fine!!! Look at those cheeks! The rest of her medical history looks great. We've had a couple doctors look over it and all have given it the "thumbs up" and say that she looks totally fine other than the cleft issues. Thankfully our pediatrician's office is open on weekends (that's when we got our referral) so we went right in and showed the doc Kate's referral. She already felt like "ours" and we knew we wanted to adopt her - we just wanted to run it by the doctor since it seemed like the wise thing to do! Here are some pics from the office visit. Anne and Molly are in their "little girl big dreams" shirts from their Coco. Meme met us a the office to help watch the girls. Such a fun visit!!!

 we're getting a new sister!!

 Anne is concentrating hard on her "reading"

 "Molly, you've got to see this!"

 Running with a lollipop... and this is after Molly semi-choked on hers while the doc was in the room. Eek! Kate, we promise to get in gear and limit dangerous activities - don't be nervous!!!

 "Let's go sis! We've got the green light!!! Fast, we can get to China on foot if need be!"

Thanks for your help, Meme! You are officially hired as full-time nanny! Your room is all ready... ; )

Kate's birth weight is the same as my birth weight when I was born! I just realized that when I converted it to pounds. How cool! We're just beginning to learn about cleft babies, but I'll try to outline what I know so far about future care for her. She will have a surgery on her lip either in China in the next few months or once we get her home. We will request that they wait on that surgery till she gets home - but they may have already completed it. We have heard that they usually do an amazing job on the surgery in China - so we are just trusting God with that. We'd rather her be here so we can choose the doctor and be there to comfort her ... but it if is done there, that will be ok too. Once she gets home, she will have one or two surgeries to close her palate. Then she'll have speech therapy. She'll be a bit behind since she hasn't heard English yet - and since she has no palate, she hasn't had practice talking. Then in her teens these little ones often have another surgery on their lip since their faces grow. And then lots of braces and orthodontists are likely to be in her future ; ) But really, it's a mild special need and totally correctible. We are so thankful to have such great doctors and resources here to help her on this journey!!!

Kate is 10 months old and we will probably pick her up in December (she'll be 16 months old then). She is 14 months younger than Molly and just over 3 years younger than Anne. We had just prayed for a child younger than Molly - but Kate is much younger - which is GREAT!!! We were prepared for Molly and Kate to be just a few months apart in age. Having the year between them in school will be great!! Her medical report says she is very playful, likes to be held, will motion for a hug (ah!), likes to ring bells, and can catch a ball (wow!! maybe they mean a ball rolled to her? hmmm ; ). She likes to play with other children and be outdoors. The referrals tend to be pretty honest about the child's personality. She sounds very outgoing and spunky! We are thankful for a strong little one who is eating well and engaging with others well.

We can request additional pictures three more times before we pick her up. We'll post them when we get them!!! We can send care packages (we may use this girl Ann at http://redthreadchina.com/). Ann sends the package for you from China and will request additional updates and photos of your little one. I can't decide which package to send so I may just send them all! Ha!!! James, are you reading this??? ; ) I have found a great yahoo chat group of other families who have adopted from this same orphanage. It has been fun to talk with them! Some of the families have recently matched - so maybe we'll get to keep in touch with some of her little friends! We are trying to put our trust in the Lord - He is taking care of Kate! While we wish we could pick her up right now, we know His timing is perfect. 

Bethany means "house of figs" and "daughter of the Lord." It's all over the bible as I've learned this year! As James said in his post, we feel like God has given us this name for her. James first pointed this out last summer when we started the process. He was seeing the name "Bethany" everywhere. Since I have had a running list of child name options that I started when I was maybe 12 years old (ha!!) I wasn't sure about this. Though it's a beautiful name, it wasn't on my list! But I started praying and paying attention. I kid you not, the name "Bethany" has come up almost every day in my life ever since then. It's just crazy and fairly laughable really! It's in my bible, then in my devotion, then the bible again, then someone asks if I know "Bethany," then someone talks about Bethany Adoption Agency, then I get a Facebook message from a friend Bethany, and on and on it goes. So that's how we settled on Bethany - God chose that part!!! And Kate means "pure." We have been blessed with lots of amazing people in our lives that this name reminds us of: my sister Kathleen, multiple Katies, a Catie, and Katherine/Catherine/Kathryns. And we just love that sweet little name Kate! Yesterday we found out that some dear friends have a Bethany Kate too! We had always known of course that this friend was "Bethany" - but what a fun surprise that she is Bethany Kate! That Bethany Kate's mama says she always told her Bethany Kate that Bethany was one of Jesus' favorite places to go. How sweet is that?!?!? We would be so proud if our Bethany Kate grew up into a woman as amazing as that Bethany and of course her other Kate namesakes! So there you have it... thanks for following!!! We'll keep posting as we get new information on little Kate ; )

The day we matched, this picture below was the promise that I got in my email (I get one of these everyday, from www.365promises.com - they are so great). You can sign up to get them - free, encouraging, always a gorgeous picture! And God uses them so much - they are often just RIGHT on for whatever is happening in life! Thank you, Lord, that your love is everlasting and that your faithfulness extends to all generations - we are excited to add to our family and this next generation!!!

You have filled my heart with greater joy (Psalm 4:7)....welcome, Bethany Kate Wessel!

If you have you have short attention span or limited time, just know that the Lord has provided graciously for our family and we have matched with a beautiful little miracle baby (pictures to come in next blog).  She is 10 months old and just precious. To "match" means that we have received photos, a medical file, and some basic information on the baby, and have told the agency "we're in!" - and on Friday, June 8th, we received the e-mail with the official confirmation from the Chinese government that we were accepted and that in approximately 6 months we will be able to travel to China to bring precious Kate home to all of you - her family.  She will need medical attention for a severe cleft lip and palate, but is healthy as far as we know other than that.

If you are still with me...this is James writing tonight for the family...I would love to share my heart, and my side of the story thus far.

Adoption was not on my bucket list.  Really, not even on my radar at all for that matter.  But over the past year, God has opened my eyes to the need and I felt it really just made perfect sense for our family.  Liz is kind of sneaky cool in so much as when she wants something, she just prays that God would make it my heart and my idea, and then she just embraces the idea when I present it.  Until I read her responses to the home study I did not realize how long she had wanted, and prayed for, us to adopt.  Needless to say I received an enthusiastic yes when I first brought up the idea last year!

It has been an interesting journey thus far to say the least.  For me, the biggest challenge has been moving closer to the suffering.  Becoming a father to Anne and Molly has filled my heart with love and compassion that I feel deeper in my chest than anything I have ever known.  Sometimes when I watch them eat I think that someone's Anne and Molly do not have food.  Sometimes when I hold them I think that someone is hitting their Anne and Molly.  When they cry out during the night, I can go from asleep to up the stairs in 7 seconds.  I'm fast.  But even as I type somewhere there is child crying out and no one is answering.  It might even be Bethany Kate's cry.  Look, I don't want to be a drama queen with this and play on your emotions, or mine, which are probably far more fragile than yours anyway.  But you need to understand this part of my story to understand my heart, which if you are taking the time to read this, I want to take the time to be honest and transparent with you.  So ever since Anne was born when I have had these negative thoughts about the plight of children, I have mostly been able to block it out.  The depth and severity of the pain to even think about it seemed unbearable and depressing and crushing to me.  So I pushed the thoughts out of my mind, focused on Anne and Molly and our quiet sweet little lives where I see God's goodness and blessing so clearly.   We are not perfect parents, but our girls are loved, fed, prayed over, held, encouraged, protected, and treasured each day. When we began the adoption process, it forced me to have to face some of the suffering of children.  I feared wading into this for several reasons.  I feared that I would not be able to handle the suffering as I moved closer to it.  As it became part of our lives and wasn't just a thought that I could block out.  Knowing one baby by name in the world and knowing where she lives and what is and isn't happening to her is somehow more painful to me than just glancing over a newspaper headline that there are a million orphans or whatever in the world - because I am now more connected to the suffering.  I was fearful of what the suffering would do to my view of God.  For those of you who I have not met or do not know, I am a Christian.  In short, I believe that God created the world and that God is a perfect being.  I believe that I am not perfect, and that God gave His son Jesus as a gift to the world that through the life and death of Jesus that I could have a relationship with God.  But I have to tell your that my view of God is as a loving and kind God, and I was scared of being too close to the suffering, for fear of turning on God with the inevitable "Where are you and why do you allow this? - why is an Anne or Molly abused, hungry, unloved?"  I feared a coming of crisis of faith, if you will, that could shake the foundation of my life.  If God is not real, or if He is not good, I've got a problem, people, because my life is built on believing both of those things.  I feared putting it to the test coming face to face with hurting children, which is the suffering that hurts me the most.

Monday, April 16th, was the day that we thought we would match.  China was releasing that month's list of available children, and we were expecting a phone call around midnight that night that we had matched with our chosen child.  That morning, I left out of the front door and down our sidewalk to my truck.  Right in the middle of the sidewalk was a rose - not yet opened - perfectly cut at about 6 inches.  It was small, fragile, and my first thought was what a tragedy that this rose was cut off from it's bush unopened and so small.  But that thought was immediately replaced with how special that God would leave a rose for me on this special day - a rose for Kate.  What better way to show me His love for Kate than to leave a rose for her?  I picked up the rose and took it to work and put it on my desk in a cup of water.  During the course of the day, the rose began to open, fed by the water in the cup and the sun coming through my office windows.  I felt so comforted and reassured seeing the rose....that God's hand was in this process....and that His hand was on Kate.  On the day that we were moving closer to the suffering, we found God moving closer with us.

As you know from reading Liz's posts, we did not match on that day like we thought we would.  But I kept the rose.  Everyday I was reminded by the rose that God is with us on this journey.

However, recently I was was thinking about the sadness of the orphans...and thought about the rose again.  The rose should have been on the bush.  Connected to it's mother.  Growing, blooming, a part of the plant, surrounded by other roses.  I thought about the orphans.  The rose that had brought me so much joy and comfort suddenly seemed a sad reminder of orphans not connected to their parents, community, their siblings.  But then I felt the Lord say to me..."but I left it where you would find it"....and instantly I thought about the orphans in China, whose parents take a risk by leaving the children where they will be found....so that someday they can be adopted.

Friday night, June 1st, we hosted a marriage communications class kick off party at the park across from our house.  It was a sweet night of marriage and friendship.  Liz and I love to host, to set up, to clean up, and we love that tired but happy feeling of having everything put up, in order, the girls in bed, and a chance to collapse on the couch weary but content, and share a few moments together at the end of the day.  Just as we had settled in, 9:15 PM the phone rings - it was our wonderful agency contact (name withheld for privacy) who is shepherding us through this process.   She tells me she might have a match for us.  She told me all about Kate.  I took the phone call on the porch as to shield Liz from any heartache if I knew at the beginning it wasn't a match.  But from every one word that she said, I knew this was our baby girl.  I came back inside to Liz jumping up and down and screaming "What did she say?!?!?!" -  to which I naturally responded "who?" - I'll post a video at some point of what followed, but it includes Liz throwing things at me.  Before you call me names, please know I only let that go on a minute before holding out my arms, tears in my eyes, and saying "we have a baby....we have a baby...." and embracing her....she repeating - half questioning half saying - "we have a baby?"....it was a sweet moment in our lives.  We raced to the computer to open up the e-mail with all of her information.  There was a lot in there obviously, but the part I want to share with you is that...pause as the tears begin to flow here...but Kate was left at the gate of the orphanage and the file made reference to an unusual occurrence in which there had been a note pinned to Kate with her birthday on it, presumably so the orphanage would know exactly how old she was and maybe even someday that her adoptive parents would know her birthday, a rare case with Chinese orphans.  At that moment, I felt the Lord say..."see, I left her where you would find her."  I'm crying as I write this....

I don't know why, or how, the rose got separated from the bush.  I don't know how or why Kate's mom couldn't keep her. But I know that God left them where they would be found.  I know that He put them where they would be scooped up, watered, fed, cared for, loved.  He left them where they would blossom.  He left them for me.  I'm scared of suffering.  I'm scared of being close to it.  But God is saying to me not to be scared.  I am part of His plan for healing.  He is saying to me it is okay to come closer to the suffering.  I will find Him there - working among the orphans and the hurting.  He is not far away like I feared He might be.  He is there.  He is there.  He is good.

Thanks for letting me tell my story so far....I will try to wrap up quickly and succinctly....but if you have made it is far I guess you are in it for the long haul.  I bet five bucks if you are still reading this that you have knocked out War and Peace as well as Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire at some point.

LIZ - when I started typing 2 hours ago she looked me straight in the eye and said I do not want you writing a bunch of nice things about me.  Several years ago she was in the hospital and she said the e-mails I wrote with updates made her sound "too good" and she didn't want me writing how great she was.  So I left her out.  But I don't have to say anything - you all know her - and most have read Proverbs 31 - God has blessed me immeasurably with her.

WHO IS GOING TO CHINA - we don't know.  It might be me - which is funny since I have never been out of the country and until recently experienced healing from God, I wouldn't fly on airplanes either.  If I go and Liz stays home, God has already anointed a legion of family and friends who have offered to go with me.  We'll keep you posted, no pun intended.

HER NAME - BETHANY KATE?  So...kind of weird...but Liz and I feel strongly that God is calling us to name her Bethany.  We don't know why.  Several times in the Bible God had names picked up out for His people.  Even Jesus.  He told Mary to name her son Jesus.  We believe that is what God has chosen for her.  Even weirder, I know, but we also feel a peace and calling for her to go by her middle name Kate.  So, Bethany Kate Wessel will be her given name, and she will go by Kate.  Thank you for loving us so well as we try to be obedient to what God is calling us to do.

YOU - Congratulations to YOU on your new baby - through your love, your friendship, your prayers, you have chosen to adopt Kate as well.  We are under no illusion that we are going this alone.  You have chosen to love us, to love her, to embrace us, to embrace her, so we celebrate her as your new granddaughter, niece, sister, playmate, and child.  Thank you for being willing to adopt her.  She needed a family.  She needed a Church.  She needed community.  You have given her that.

ME - I am done blogging now.  This was my first.  I'm as over it as you are at this point.  Liz will be back in charge from this point forward.  Thank you for listening to me.  Let's continue to prayerfully come together as God's children, move together towards the suffering, meet Him there, and allow Him to use us to bring healing.  Let our lives be ruled by love and not by fear.

Thanks for letting me tell the story of a rose for Kate.

No match from May's shared list...

Hello! Last night China released the shared list for this month - it's the list of special needs children available for adoption. Our agency people look at the list of children and try to match each family up with a child. You may remember that we are hoping for a young child (a year old or younger would be GREAT! once you are "matched" with a child, you don't pick the child up for about 6 months... so we'd pick up an 18 month old about...) But who knows! God could have plans for us to adopt a bit older of a child. We'd for sure like a child younger than Molly (who is 2). And we feel most comfortable adopting a child with minor correctible surgical needs. So anyway, this list didn't have any young children with minor needs. Our sweet agency contact said that they had trouble matching all the families last night who were looking for children with minor needs... it just was a very short and limited list! Anyway, we are really ok with not matching. We would MUCH rather not match than have to say no to another child that we don't think fits our current "capacity" as a family (that's what our agency called it! must be adoption lingo ; ) Read this verse this morning:

"I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord."

-Psalm 27:13-14

We will wait and see what the Lord does!!! Thanks for following. I may try to post some recent pictures - the blog seems like it needs some pictures!!!! Sorry in advance for technical errors ; ) Y'all take care!!! We'll keep the blog updated with any happenings ; )

Anne's ballet recital family picture:

The recital was just family/friends watching a regular class. it was so cute! They usually wear white leotards with pink tights and shoes... but for the recital they could add a fun tutu ; )

Anne's teach (Miss Kathy) was wonderful!!!

Anne is the little one with the pink tutu fourth from the left:

With Meme (James' mom):

Watching her sister:

Sweet little girls ; )

 Anne wanted Molly to sit in her lap for a story:

Coco (Liz's Mom) in town for a visit:

No news ... but a sweet poem!

Happy Mother's Day! We don't have any new adoption news ; ) We have taken a little "break" from getting referrals... and we feel ready to dive back in now! Lord willing, we will match when the next "Shared List" comes out from China toward the end of May. China doesn't announce when the Shared List will come out until the day before - and it usually comes out once a month. This is a list of special needs children that are available for adoption. We'll see!!! Our agency sent out a great Mother's Day poem today and we wanted to share it with you. It's just so sweet! I was thinking about our little one's birth mother today on Mother's Day... what a gift she will be giving us. How brave she was to carry her baby and leave the baby where she knew the baby would be found. I was praying for her today. She has already given our baby up (most likely) so I pray that she would have a peace that the little one will be loved and cared for. I'm so thankful for the part she played in our little one's sweet life. I pray that she would someday know Jesus! Ok, here's the poem that our agency sent ... hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

A Mother's Day Poem

Once there were two women who never knew each other

One you do not remember, the other you call Mother

Two different lives shaped to make you one

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it

The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name

One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears

One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears

One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do

The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, are you the product of?

Both, my darling, both, just two different types of love.

~ Author Unknown

A second referral...

Well, it's been a crazy few days! After the first referral, we really had a rough time (as you may have read) seeing that sweet baby's picture and not adopting her. Thankfully, the Lord really spoke to us about it and we had a total peace. Then church came on Sunday, and I just LOST it during worship (not hard to do ... worship certainly elicits tears on lots of occasions!). I was just struck with the gravity of it all. But over and over throughout the service, I just kept thinking the words to one of our favorite little children's songs:

Jesus loves me, this I know,

for the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong;

they are weak but He is strong.

That just really seemed to sum it up - Jesus LOVES me - even if we can't take in every orphan. And these little ones belong to HIM!!! They are weak but HE is strong. So very true... So the whole experience of the first referral was so difficult - but so sweet too. God was really IN the whole process.

Then Monday rolls around - and we get ANOTHER referral! This was certainly unexpected and caught us off guard. Out sweet social worker, knowing the pain we'd gone through with the first referral, opted not to actually email us the child's picture and medical records. She just told me the basics over the phone: 2-and-a-half years old, shorter right leg, smaller right foot, webbed right toes... and she wasn't walking. This sort of sent me into a confused daze. I just couldn't even THINK about another child and the potential that we wouldn't take her! James is very wise in these situations, thankfully. We decided not to even look at her file - she simply is an older child than we had previously prayerfully decided we were comfortable adopting. We would get her at age 3... and she is older than Molly. Both things that don't seem to fit right now! We still feel like we'd like to keep our current birth order in our children - that the next little one should be younger than Molly. I did some research and it's all super interesting (bringing in a child the same age as one of your children is called "artificial twinning" by the way and there are lots of interesting articles on it). Anyway, suffice it to say, we turned down a second referral. I just stared at the wall most of the day and was literally unable to process. Just too much emotion, too many huge decisions, too MUCH!!! In too little time!!!

So now sweet James has stepped in. James to the rescue! Hooray ; ) He's talked to the agency and really solidified our desires - a child younger than Molly (preferably a LOT younger) and one with minor correctible surgical needs. Also, the next referral will go to James first - just because I'm not ready to see another child's face! He'll look at it and pray and then bring it to me if he feels a peace that she might be the next little Wessel ; ) I feel a burden totally lifted. James also told our agency contact not to send us any referrals for a few weeks! Just to let us rest and recover. We need a breather! So that's the update. Thanks for following us on this journey! Glad this post wasn't as long as the last one ; ) Not sure if we scared off our followers or not... if not, thanks for sticking with us!!! ; )

Overwhelming sadness, but overwhelming HOPE

This is a really difficult post to write! I also feel I should warn you: this is going to be a long post! Ak. Sorry in advance!!! I need to write it out for myself to just process - so it's really mostly a journaling sort of thing! If you don't have 2 hours to devote to reading this, let me sum it up for you: we received a referral and we did not decide to adopt the little girl. The child, while precious, had needs that we felt are too severe for us to responsibly take on. It was a really hard day, but one in which I drew closer to the Lord and wept with Him over the dire situation of orphans and handicapped children. We feel a peace that this is not the child for us. Her home is elsewhere. And our little girl is still out there...

Ok, here's the whole story for those of you with lots of time and a comfy chair...

Late Thursday night we were sent a referral via email for a precious little girl. But let's back up a bit. When you go through the adoption process, you fill out a form about what you do and don't feel comfortable taking on as a family - which "needs" in a child you feel you can handle. It's a really hard form to fill out and it feels a bit judgmental. If you had a biological child with special needs, you would of course lovingly raise them, knowing all along that it was God's perfect will for your family and that He had equipped you for it. However, when you "choose" the child and the needs through adoption, you must pray about it and honestly try to assess where the Lord has you. Since our girls are 1 and 3 years old (soon to be 2 and 4), James and I both felt that we can take on a child with surgically correctible physical special needs - cleft lip/palate, heart condition, missing digits/arm, etc. We felt like a child under 2 years old would be best, since that would keep our same child birth order in the family, something some sources recommend that you do.

So anyway, back to the referral. Our amazing agency contact (name withheld for privacy reasons) sent it to us. The first words in her email were something like: "I know that she is older than you were thinking, and has some needs you weren't thinking you could take on, but here she is - your first referral"... She is a 27 month old with mild cerebral palsy. She is standing but not walking. Her pictures were just darling, as you can imagine. She doesn't have full use of her left limbs. So basically, these are all things that we had previously prayerfully decided were too much for our family. James is currently out of town - on his busiest business trip of the year. He's at a fire truck conference in Indianapolis and he barely has 5 minutes to sit down or call home. So it was really a crazy time for the Lord to drop this in our laps!

I woke up at 2 am and checked my email to see if we had a referral (I knew that there was a chance... when we didn't get one Monday, we knew that when those families finished their 48 hours of reviewing children, if any of them decided not to take a child, he/she was tossed back into the lot of files and could be re-locked for us). So I wake up and see this file. My level-headed nurse practitioner brain looked at the medical reports and pictures (her facial features did have some worrisome characteristics that could point to some additional issues). I sent James an email that I thought she was probably too severe for us. I tossed and turned all night, ended up reading some scripture and articles about China online (I tried to refrain from googling her specific issues - the Lord was really telling me that it wasn't a good idea!!!!). There were a few really encouraging verses the Lord gave me and a few crazy 'coincidences' with her file... the Lord was either just affirming us in this adoption process or pointing us to this particular child.

In all his work craziness, James had forgotten about the chance of a referral that night - but had awoken anyway and randomly checked his email around 4 am. He saw my email that she may be too severe, so he didn't review her file except a quick glance at a couple things. In the morning I was able to talk with James for a few minutes. He also saw a couple interesting tidbits in the file that aligned with some recent verses/things we have heard from God. At this point I burst into tears. Tears that would continue most of the day! I just carried around a Kleenex box ; ) My "flesh" (what we Christians refer to as the part of us that is sinful and selfish) was screaming "I do NOT want to take this child, Lord!" And I was AFRAID that it may be His will for us to take her! Now, we know that fear doesn't come from the Lord! I knew I needed a serious re-alignment with Jesus and some good time with Him. This was going to require a lot more prayer to discern what God's will was - and it was really going to be up to me to seek His will on it - James simply couldn't. It was literally the busiest day of his entire year. Now, I have an amazing husband who is a born leader and who is AWESOME at hearing from God. I must admit that I am sometimes lazy in the "hearing from God" department because I rely on James' wisdom. He totally leads our family so well! So having the "ball in my court" at first seemed really overwhelming. But the Spirit lives in me too! He can totally speak to me! I just had to really accept that, at this time, I needed to step up and listen to God for our family. I sent our agency contact an email with some questions - is it normal for these kids not to walk just because of their environment? did she also have a heart condition? (it said this in only one place on the file) and a few other questions...

So I'm crying uncontrollably, James has to get off the phone to go sell/buy fire trucks, Anne is hugging my leg saying, "it's ok, Mama. Why are you sad, Mama? Why is your face so red, Mama?" And the cleaning people arrive! Side note: I have the best mother-in-law on the planet and she sends her cleaning people to our house EVERY WEEK (I'm soooo spoiled! Thank you, Meme!). It is really the best gift and I must remember to do this for my children when they are grown. It is honestly what allows us to have weekly bible study with lots of kids in the house!!! Back to the story - the cleaning people are here, I'm crying, it's like 8 am... the girls and I make a speedy departure to we're-not-sure-where. The first stop was to my friend Mary's house, because we'd left Anne's shoes there and we couldn't do much without her shoes. For those of you who don't know Mary, she is simply awesome, she loves God, loves kids (and my kids LOVE her), and it totally makes sense that God would send me there!!! She talked us into coming inside and the kids played while we talked and prayed. At this point I was just struggling with the "what if God wants us to take her" and just seeing up-close the pain and horror of it all: namely, that children CHILDREN who have many health needs are ABANDONED around the world, kept in orphanages, and now I am seeing their pictures. Well, one of them. And this child, who had been abandoned, who had been rejected once already THIS week, was now just smiling at me tenderly from the computer screen! To look at one of Jesus' PRECIOUS children and say, "sorry, kid, you can't live with us" just seemed to be so completely heartless! Jesus would leave the flock to find this ONE sheep who is lost. So Mary talked with me, listened, prayed, and just loved on us! Thank you Mary!

We left from there for Chick-fil-A. My people were a bit hungry due to our hasty departure from the house. I thought I'd let them play and wait for our agency friend to call. I love the Chick-fil-A play area! However, a few times it gets my children into tricky situations. Another side note - once when Anne was almost two and I was 8 months pregnant with Molly, Anne got stuck at the very top and wouldn't come down. Huge pregnant me climbed the narrow smelly plastic circular staircase to the top to retrieve her. You are 2 stories above the parking lot, looking at the cars below through this clear concave plastic window thinking, "what on earth am I doing???" So anyway, I had to do that again with Molly yesterday. It's just such an experience! Anyway, then I talked with our agency contact (Anne also t-t-ed at the top of the play structure during this conversation! Sorry those of you who came to Chick-fil-A after us! It was also a bit of confirmation that we do have our hands fairly full... and while we totally feel the Lord leading us to adopt right now, there is some cause to be cautious of the level of need we take on!). So our agency friend was SO great. She basically said that we were responding "just like a family who had been given their first referral." Which makes you feel so much better that you aren't a total crazy person! She had previously cautioned me about the first referral - she said that about half the folks accept the first referral and the other half... sort of totally have a re-thinking, re-praying, gut-wrenching, is-this-for-real, complete come-apart and put-back-together ; ) So that was us I guess!!! She assured me that this child would have a home if not ours and that God had a perfect plan for her life. So not to decide based on obligation or guilt. Our sweet agency friend has been just so completely wonderful through this and she was super supportive and promised to be praying for us as we sought God's heart on it.

So the day progresses on and the girls nap and I got some good time with God to just pray and listen and journal and read the bible. For those of you who don't read the bible, it will sound crazy, but the words are LIFE-giving and there are real-live messages in there and you KNOW when they are for you right then! God just uses it to speak to us in very real ways. It's hard to believe until you try it - but I promise you, the word is "living and active"(hebrews 4:12)  and works in lives to speak God's heart, purposes, and plan to us. If you don't have a paper bible, just look for one online - like www.youversion.com ... there are lots of great "versions" of the bible - I like NIV and the Message the best.

So first I looked up some verses that friends had shared with me and a few I had been studying the past few weeks. God comforted me with Isaiah 41:13 "I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'" Ok, deep breath. No more fear. This isn't FEARful ... God is helping me! And then "the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations" (ps 33:11). Very helpful - He has a purpose for this next generation too. And I was already starting to see that God wanted James to be gone for this - He wanted to get me "alone" and speak directly to me. He wanted me to see His heart for the hurting - His heart for the orphan - how it breaks His heart like it breaks mine. This is a fallen world and it will not all be "fixed" until heaven. Jesus WEPT for this. But, as James wisely noted later, while there is overwhelming sadness here, there is also overwhelming HOPE. Jesus has a plan - for these children, for our children, for generations to come. It is so difficult to stare in the face of a hurting child - abandoned, alone, distressed, sick, hurting. And that's what Jesus sees when He sees me! Thankfully, He alone can handle LOTS of children - all of us! - with all our various special needs and struggles. It's not too much for HIM! Our "adoption referral" to God was accepted instantly on the grounds of Jesus - our sins, pain, issues ... Jesus died for them covered them with His blood, made them white as snow. When God looks at my life, he sees JESUS, not me. Thank you, Lord!!! He has "adopted us as sons" - wow (Ephesians 1:5).

Then I felt the Lord wanting me to really seek wisdom. A friend had sent me James 3:17 "the wisdom that comes from heaven is pure... impartial, sincere." Wow, impartial. That seems harsh. But I knew I had been deeply affected by seeing this baby's picture. Hearing where and when and how she was abandoned in the night. And for the good of my family, for clarity in hearing God's voice, for tapping into the truths James and I had heard previously and throughout this whole process, I needed to be IMPARTIAL for a minute. Funny but James heard that same word earlier in the day he told me later. I had to step back and look at this thing from 10,000 feet up. We are relatively new parents. My family is in Texas. James' mom is here and is very helpful. But we have 2 tiny little girls, we love to serve at church and in our neighborhood, we love to attend/host bible studies, etc. The service things may wax and wane as we add children, as they grow, etc ... but in general, these things we feel called to. This child whom we adopt will fit INTO this calling, not trump it. She will be a sister to our girls and we pray that they would point each other to the Lord as they grow up together, sharing rooms, laughing together, and playing dress up. This decision must be a fit for Molly. It needs to be a fit for Anne. It will be a fit for our family and our community and our resources... God has planned it out from the beginning! He wouldn't bring us down this road then leave us... he doesn't abandon His children in the night. He is with us, He is calling us! It is going to be ok!

The reality that we can't be "everything to everyone" came to mind. While a part of me wants to be the martyr who takes on the child with the very most extreme needs, that is not God's requirement of me! He has equipped us to care for a particular child - and there is "no condemnation in Christ" (Romans 8:1) and we are "free from accusation" (Colossians 1:22) for not taking the sickest or for taking them all. He loves me just the same if we don't even adopt at all! Nothing I can DO will make him love me any more than He already does. I just need to rest in Him and follow His lead. This came to mind: Do for one what you wish you could do for all (Our pastor at church - Ross - said this one time. So wise). That's good! And freeing!!! We must be faithful to the calling God has for US. Not the calling He has for anyone else! We can't led guilt and condemnation creep in. I looked in my bible index thing for verses on wisdom. This came up: "she speaks with wisdom... she watches over the affairs of her household" (Proverbs 31:26-27). I was really starting to feel confident that God had given me the duty of watching over my household, making sure we were being cognizant of our other kids and callings, keeping us grounded in the decision of the level of need we had prayerfully felt called to previously. I was getting the confidence to be able to turn this referral back without committing to adopt this angel baby. I was starting to trust God's plan for her and for us. It is so hard for me to understand and follow-through with ... but she isn't for us - she is for another family somewhere. When/if another family reviews the file of the little girl God has for us, I pray that they would have the freedom and discernment also to hear God's voice and know that she is not their child - just as God has helped us to do. These children are on a seemingly impossible journey - why God has called them to this road is beyond us to understand. But He planned this out long ago; He knew the road He had for them before they were formed in their mother's wombs. He knows these little ones and He cares for them. This is really hard for me to wrap my mind around since they are disabled and in orphanages. But somehow, some way, there is hope here. The church is called to love these children. Not everyone can take in an orphan, and not every home can take in every orphan - it's just so hard. "Do for one what you wish you could do for all." We need to each seek Him and follow His call for us, not His call for another. 

So then my friend Leah (also one of those rock star Jesus friends who speaks Jesus love and life to all around her) texted me her husband's phone number - he's a radiologist. It just turns out (though she didn't know it) that a radiologist is just what we needed to help understand this particular child's file. She had lots of CT scan-sort of reports. So I called Clint (thank you Clint!!!) and he helped walk me through what some of the "ventricle missing this and that" stuff meant. Sadly, this angel baby's brain has had some significant hits that may mean she never will walk or that she may need 1-on-1 care for life. He basically said that adopting this one child could be the equivalent of adopting THREE healthy children. More confirmation that this wasn't God's plan for our family. I was really feeling God's peace with the decision now. Now to wait till James can talk...

At almost 10 pm James' time (he's on eastern right now), he was able to break away and call. I told him all that the Lord was showing me, and He totally came alongside me and trusted the journey God had led me through. Wow, what a hard position - especially for a leader like James - but he so gracefully trusted my leadership here. That morning, I felt that weight of that burden of being the one to sort through this - it was scary to me and I was afraid I'd take us down the wrong path. But after a day of hearing God's truth, seeing His heart, weeping with Him for most of it, and coming to the other side with peace, I really felt that I had heard His voice and plan for us. And I was confident that I had been faithful to my temporary place as "family decision maker" and had come to the decision that aligned with God's heart for us. From fear to peace - "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18) and "He will keep in perfect peace Him whose mind is stayed on Thee" (Isaiah 26:3) come to mind.

So after a gut-wrenching, soul-searching, God-seeking day, we were at peace. This baby wasn't for our family. I wouldn't want to repeat this day again (though God could call me to) but I wouldn't trade it either - I really learned so much and will look back on this day as a day when I came a step closer to Jesus and caught a glimpse of why He wept for us. I imagine that the rest of this process will have more up-close-and-personal-looks-at-pain as well, and that God will gracefully and loving carry us through those as well, all the while weeping for His children and this hurting world right along with us.

So why did we even get this referral? When she was so clearly not what we had specified we could handle? Why does God bring things like this before us? Well, I can't say for sure - but I do know I'm closer to Him now than I was before. I can say that I see why He would want us to walk through that. This morning the Lord brought some other really awesome verses before me about the hope that He has for us, these children, the world. Here's one that I love:

"We have peace with God, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, be we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." -Romans 5:1-3

Thank you for reading through this! Hope some of these verses spoke to you as well. (ps. I have no time to edit this. please excuse all typos and mistakes! sorry! barely time to write it!!! it was a novel practically!!! I must go care for our current children - one is sucking on a piece of chalk and one is spitting her water on the wall!) Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We love you all!!!

Referral likely next month!

Our wonderful helper from our agency called this morning to give us the news: they weren't able to match us with a child from the shared list last night. Our agency had 7 families looking to match this go around and we were #7 on that list (our dossier was sent last of all the families who were eligible). So (praise the Lord!) the other 6 families were all given a referral! So that is great news for them!!! Yea!!! But they were one shy ... ours! With agencies all over the country and world competing to lock files of children for their clients, the process is very fast and crazy I'm sure. But the good news is that we will be first in line with our agency next month when the shared list comes out (mid- to late May). So it is very likely that we will match then! We will see ; ) She said that it was really wonderful that they were able to get 6 referrals - and it bodes well for the future of the China adoption program. It means that they released a lot of precious children and that the program is looking good and functioning well. So it is even more likely that the May shared list will have lots of kiddos on it and we will be more likely to match! There is a super-de-duper small chance that as families who were matched with a child last night pray over their decision, some may not feel called to the child they were matched with. So those children will go back on the list later this week. If any match our family's needs, we MAY be able to get one of these referrals later this week. But the more likely scenario is that we will wait until May ; ) Which is fine!!!! This has been a very fast process and we are very fine to wait and see what God is up to ; ) Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!