Overwhelming sadness, but overwhelming HOPE

This is a really difficult post to write! I also feel I should warn you: this is going to be a long post! Ak. Sorry in advance!!! I need to write it out for myself to just process - so it's really mostly a journaling sort of thing! If you don't have 2 hours to devote to reading this, let me sum it up for you: we received a referral and we did not decide to adopt the little girl. The child, while precious, had needs that we felt are too severe for us to responsibly take on. It was a really hard day, but one in which I drew closer to the Lord and wept with Him over the dire situation of orphans and handicapped children. We feel a peace that this is not the child for us. Her home is elsewhere. And our little girl is still out there...

Ok, here's the whole story for those of you with lots of time and a comfy chair...

Late Thursday night we were sent a referral via email for a precious little girl. But let's back up a bit. When you go through the adoption process, you fill out a form about what you do and don't feel comfortable taking on as a family - which "needs" in a child you feel you can handle. It's a really hard form to fill out and it feels a bit judgmental. If you had a biological child with special needs, you would of course lovingly raise them, knowing all along that it was God's perfect will for your family and that He had equipped you for it. However, when you "choose" the child and the needs through adoption, you must pray about it and honestly try to assess where the Lord has you. Since our girls are 1 and 3 years old (soon to be 2 and 4), James and I both felt that we can take on a child with surgically correctible physical special needs - cleft lip/palate, heart condition, missing digits/arm, etc. We felt like a child under 2 years old would be best, since that would keep our same child birth order in the family, something some sources recommend that you do.

So anyway, back to the referral. Our amazing agency contact (name withheld for privacy reasons) sent it to us. The first words in her email were something like: "I know that she is older than you were thinking, and has some needs you weren't thinking you could take on, but here she is - your first referral"... She is a 27 month old with mild cerebral palsy. She is standing but not walking. Her pictures were just darling, as you can imagine. She doesn't have full use of her left limbs. So basically, these are all things that we had previously prayerfully decided were too much for our family. James is currently out of town - on his busiest business trip of the year. He's at a fire truck conference in Indianapolis and he barely has 5 minutes to sit down or call home. So it was really a crazy time for the Lord to drop this in our laps!

I woke up at 2 am and checked my email to see if we had a referral (I knew that there was a chance... when we didn't get one Monday, we knew that when those families finished their 48 hours of reviewing children, if any of them decided not to take a child, he/she was tossed back into the lot of files and could be re-locked for us). So I wake up and see this file. My level-headed nurse practitioner brain looked at the medical reports and pictures (her facial features did have some worrisome characteristics that could point to some additional issues). I sent James an email that I thought she was probably too severe for us. I tossed and turned all night, ended up reading some scripture and articles about China online (I tried to refrain from googling her specific issues - the Lord was really telling me that it wasn't a good idea!!!!). There were a few really encouraging verses the Lord gave me and a few crazy 'coincidences' with her file... the Lord was either just affirming us in this adoption process or pointing us to this particular child.

In all his work craziness, James had forgotten about the chance of a referral that night - but had awoken anyway and randomly checked his email around 4 am. He saw my email that she may be too severe, so he didn't review her file except a quick glance at a couple things. In the morning I was able to talk with James for a few minutes. He also saw a couple interesting tidbits in the file that aligned with some recent verses/things we have heard from God. At this point I burst into tears. Tears that would continue most of the day! I just carried around a Kleenex box ; ) My "flesh" (what we Christians refer to as the part of us that is sinful and selfish) was screaming "I do NOT want to take this child, Lord!" And I was AFRAID that it may be His will for us to take her! Now, we know that fear doesn't come from the Lord! I knew I needed a serious re-alignment with Jesus and some good time with Him. This was going to require a lot more prayer to discern what God's will was - and it was really going to be up to me to seek His will on it - James simply couldn't. It was literally the busiest day of his entire year. Now, I have an amazing husband who is a born leader and who is AWESOME at hearing from God. I must admit that I am sometimes lazy in the "hearing from God" department because I rely on James' wisdom. He totally leads our family so well! So having the "ball in my court" at first seemed really overwhelming. But the Spirit lives in me too! He can totally speak to me! I just had to really accept that, at this time, I needed to step up and listen to God for our family. I sent our agency contact an email with some questions - is it normal for these kids not to walk just because of their environment? did she also have a heart condition? (it said this in only one place on the file) and a few other questions...

So I'm crying uncontrollably, James has to get off the phone to go sell/buy fire trucks, Anne is hugging my leg saying, "it's ok, Mama. Why are you sad, Mama? Why is your face so red, Mama?" And the cleaning people arrive! Side note: I have the best mother-in-law on the planet and she sends her cleaning people to our house EVERY WEEK (I'm soooo spoiled! Thank you, Meme!). It is really the best gift and I must remember to do this for my children when they are grown. It is honestly what allows us to have weekly bible study with lots of kids in the house!!! Back to the story - the cleaning people are here, I'm crying, it's like 8 am... the girls and I make a speedy departure to we're-not-sure-where. The first stop was to my friend Mary's house, because we'd left Anne's shoes there and we couldn't do much without her shoes. For those of you who don't know Mary, she is simply awesome, she loves God, loves kids (and my kids LOVE her), and it totally makes sense that God would send me there!!! She talked us into coming inside and the kids played while we talked and prayed. At this point I was just struggling with the "what if God wants us to take her" and just seeing up-close the pain and horror of it all: namely, that children CHILDREN who have many health needs are ABANDONED around the world, kept in orphanages, and now I am seeing their pictures. Well, one of them. And this child, who had been abandoned, who had been rejected once already THIS week, was now just smiling at me tenderly from the computer screen! To look at one of Jesus' PRECIOUS children and say, "sorry, kid, you can't live with us" just seemed to be so completely heartless! Jesus would leave the flock to find this ONE sheep who is lost. So Mary talked with me, listened, prayed, and just loved on us! Thank you Mary!

We left from there for Chick-fil-A. My people were a bit hungry due to our hasty departure from the house. I thought I'd let them play and wait for our agency friend to call. I love the Chick-fil-A play area! However, a few times it gets my children into tricky situations. Another side note - once when Anne was almost two and I was 8 months pregnant with Molly, Anne got stuck at the very top and wouldn't come down. Huge pregnant me climbed the narrow smelly plastic circular staircase to the top to retrieve her. You are 2 stories above the parking lot, looking at the cars below through this clear concave plastic window thinking, "what on earth am I doing???" So anyway, I had to do that again with Molly yesterday. It's just such an experience! Anyway, then I talked with our agency contact (Anne also t-t-ed at the top of the play structure during this conversation! Sorry those of you who came to Chick-fil-A after us! It was also a bit of confirmation that we do have our hands fairly full... and while we totally feel the Lord leading us to adopt right now, there is some cause to be cautious of the level of need we take on!). So our agency friend was SO great. She basically said that we were responding "just like a family who had been given their first referral." Which makes you feel so much better that you aren't a total crazy person! She had previously cautioned me about the first referral - she said that about half the folks accept the first referral and the other half... sort of totally have a re-thinking, re-praying, gut-wrenching, is-this-for-real, complete come-apart and put-back-together ; ) So that was us I guess!!! She assured me that this child would have a home if not ours and that God had a perfect plan for her life. So not to decide based on obligation or guilt. Our sweet agency friend has been just so completely wonderful through this and she was super supportive and promised to be praying for us as we sought God's heart on it.

So the day progresses on and the girls nap and I got some good time with God to just pray and listen and journal and read the bible. For those of you who don't read the bible, it will sound crazy, but the words are LIFE-giving and there are real-live messages in there and you KNOW when they are for you right then! God just uses it to speak to us in very real ways. It's hard to believe until you try it - but I promise you, the word is "living and active"(hebrews 4:12)  and works in lives to speak God's heart, purposes, and plan to us. If you don't have a paper bible, just look for one online - like www.youversion.com ... there are lots of great "versions" of the bible - I like NIV and the Message the best.

So first I looked up some verses that friends had shared with me and a few I had been studying the past few weeks. God comforted me with Isaiah 41:13 "I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'" Ok, deep breath. No more fear. This isn't FEARful ... God is helping me! And then "the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations" (ps 33:11). Very helpful - He has a purpose for this next generation too. And I was already starting to see that God wanted James to be gone for this - He wanted to get me "alone" and speak directly to me. He wanted me to see His heart for the hurting - His heart for the orphan - how it breaks His heart like it breaks mine. This is a fallen world and it will not all be "fixed" until heaven. Jesus WEPT for this. But, as James wisely noted later, while there is overwhelming sadness here, there is also overwhelming HOPE. Jesus has a plan - for these children, for our children, for generations to come. It is so difficult to stare in the face of a hurting child - abandoned, alone, distressed, sick, hurting. And that's what Jesus sees when He sees me! Thankfully, He alone can handle LOTS of children - all of us! - with all our various special needs and struggles. It's not too much for HIM! Our "adoption referral" to God was accepted instantly on the grounds of Jesus - our sins, pain, issues ... Jesus died for them covered them with His blood, made them white as snow. When God looks at my life, he sees JESUS, not me. Thank you, Lord!!! He has "adopted us as sons" - wow (Ephesians 1:5).

Then I felt the Lord wanting me to really seek wisdom. A friend had sent me James 3:17 "the wisdom that comes from heaven is pure... impartial, sincere." Wow, impartial. That seems harsh. But I knew I had been deeply affected by seeing this baby's picture. Hearing where and when and how she was abandoned in the night. And for the good of my family, for clarity in hearing God's voice, for tapping into the truths James and I had heard previously and throughout this whole process, I needed to be IMPARTIAL for a minute. Funny but James heard that same word earlier in the day he told me later. I had to step back and look at this thing from 10,000 feet up. We are relatively new parents. My family is in Texas. James' mom is here and is very helpful. But we have 2 tiny little girls, we love to serve at church and in our neighborhood, we love to attend/host bible studies, etc. The service things may wax and wane as we add children, as they grow, etc ... but in general, these things we feel called to. This child whom we adopt will fit INTO this calling, not trump it. She will be a sister to our girls and we pray that they would point each other to the Lord as they grow up together, sharing rooms, laughing together, and playing dress up. This decision must be a fit for Molly. It needs to be a fit for Anne. It will be a fit for our family and our community and our resources... God has planned it out from the beginning! He wouldn't bring us down this road then leave us... he doesn't abandon His children in the night. He is with us, He is calling us! It is going to be ok!

The reality that we can't be "everything to everyone" came to mind. While a part of me wants to be the martyr who takes on the child with the very most extreme needs, that is not God's requirement of me! He has equipped us to care for a particular child - and there is "no condemnation in Christ" (Romans 8:1) and we are "free from accusation" (Colossians 1:22) for not taking the sickest or for taking them all. He loves me just the same if we don't even adopt at all! Nothing I can DO will make him love me any more than He already does. I just need to rest in Him and follow His lead. This came to mind: Do for one what you wish you could do for all (Our pastor at church - Ross - said this one time. So wise). That's good! And freeing!!! We must be faithful to the calling God has for US. Not the calling He has for anyone else! We can't led guilt and condemnation creep in. I looked in my bible index thing for verses on wisdom. This came up: "she speaks with wisdom... she watches over the affairs of her household" (Proverbs 31:26-27). I was really starting to feel confident that God had given me the duty of watching over my household, making sure we were being cognizant of our other kids and callings, keeping us grounded in the decision of the level of need we had prayerfully felt called to previously. I was getting the confidence to be able to turn this referral back without committing to adopt this angel baby. I was starting to trust God's plan for her and for us. It is so hard for me to understand and follow-through with ... but she isn't for us - she is for another family somewhere. When/if another family reviews the file of the little girl God has for us, I pray that they would have the freedom and discernment also to hear God's voice and know that she is not their child - just as God has helped us to do. These children are on a seemingly impossible journey - why God has called them to this road is beyond us to understand. But He planned this out long ago; He knew the road He had for them before they were formed in their mother's wombs. He knows these little ones and He cares for them. This is really hard for me to wrap my mind around since they are disabled and in orphanages. But somehow, some way, there is hope here. The church is called to love these children. Not everyone can take in an orphan, and not every home can take in every orphan - it's just so hard. "Do for one what you wish you could do for all." We need to each seek Him and follow His call for us, not His call for another. 

So then my friend Leah (also one of those rock star Jesus friends who speaks Jesus love and life to all around her) texted me her husband's phone number - he's a radiologist. It just turns out (though she didn't know it) that a radiologist is just what we needed to help understand this particular child's file. She had lots of CT scan-sort of reports. So I called Clint (thank you Clint!!!) and he helped walk me through what some of the "ventricle missing this and that" stuff meant. Sadly, this angel baby's brain has had some significant hits that may mean she never will walk or that she may need 1-on-1 care for life. He basically said that adopting this one child could be the equivalent of adopting THREE healthy children. More confirmation that this wasn't God's plan for our family. I was really feeling God's peace with the decision now. Now to wait till James can talk...

At almost 10 pm James' time (he's on eastern right now), he was able to break away and call. I told him all that the Lord was showing me, and He totally came alongside me and trusted the journey God had led me through. Wow, what a hard position - especially for a leader like James - but he so gracefully trusted my leadership here. That morning, I felt that weight of that burden of being the one to sort through this - it was scary to me and I was afraid I'd take us down the wrong path. But after a day of hearing God's truth, seeing His heart, weeping with Him for most of it, and coming to the other side with peace, I really felt that I had heard His voice and plan for us. And I was confident that I had been faithful to my temporary place as "family decision maker" and had come to the decision that aligned with God's heart for us. From fear to peace - "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18) and "He will keep in perfect peace Him whose mind is stayed on Thee" (Isaiah 26:3) come to mind.

So after a gut-wrenching, soul-searching, God-seeking day, we were at peace. This baby wasn't for our family. I wouldn't want to repeat this day again (though God could call me to) but I wouldn't trade it either - I really learned so much and will look back on this day as a day when I came a step closer to Jesus and caught a glimpse of why He wept for us. I imagine that the rest of this process will have more up-close-and-personal-looks-at-pain as well, and that God will gracefully and loving carry us through those as well, all the while weeping for His children and this hurting world right along with us.

So why did we even get this referral? When she was so clearly not what we had specified we could handle? Why does God bring things like this before us? Well, I can't say for sure - but I do know I'm closer to Him now than I was before. I can say that I see why He would want us to walk through that. This morning the Lord brought some other really awesome verses before me about the hope that He has for us, these children, the world. Here's one that I love:

"We have peace with God, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, be we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." -Romans 5:1-3

Thank you for reading through this! Hope some of these verses spoke to you as well. (ps. I have no time to edit this. please excuse all typos and mistakes! sorry! barely time to write it!!! it was a novel practically!!! I must go care for our current children - one is sucking on a piece of chalk and one is spitting her water on the wall!) Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We love you all!!!